Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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