Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
