Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
