Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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