it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
