Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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