I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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