either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
