I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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