mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
