Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
