I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
