The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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