I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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