Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
