I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
