I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Pants are for mortals
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
