It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Randomize
