You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
