Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Sober January is a disaster.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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