puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
