He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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