i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Shame - the story of my life.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
