so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My life is pants optional.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
