tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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