at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
