She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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