Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
