who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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