Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
