Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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