Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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