happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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