that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
