If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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