if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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