i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
