I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
