You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
