You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
