A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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