My liver just broke up with me...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
