she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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