Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
