I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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