Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
tequila makes me forget i have legs
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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