but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
