Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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