There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
