just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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