I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
