Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
