Swine flu. Run for my life!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
