dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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