I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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