david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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