theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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